Jack's Writing on the Theme of Surprise

LO: I am using excellent vocabulary, description and technique to write a passage that surprises my reader or my character Jack and his brother Tom went to go trick or treating on Halloween. Excitedly the boys walked out their street to Jonty Road, they stealthily tip-toed inside, through the gate, and into the front porch. Tom slowly walked towards the door... Jack was scared. Suddenly, the door was flung open faster than Usain Bolt. Tom whispered faintly to Jack “I think they know were here!” Jack then said “Helloo?? We only want to trick or treat!!” Out of nowhere some green dots suddenly started to create a demonic figure of darkness. The figure was starting to form a twisted, evil face. It was like a puzzled being completed. The mouth of the of the green-dotted man opened then spoke.... “TRIIICCCCKKKKK....” Silently, both of the boys stared at eachother and froze as if they had been froze by a freeze ray. Jack tried to let out a freighting scream... But nothing came out “RUUUUNNN....”